Not Enough (A Twilight fanfiction)

I can't say how long I've been standing here. I don't even know why I came. I just needed to be alone. I wanted to run away from home and I ended up here standing outside the home of my best friend Jacob Black. This is the home he built for his family. He had lived here with his wife and their four children. Most of them were gone now either living on their own or in college. Only his youngest, Olivia, still lived in the house, but tonight Sarah and her husband were visiting and they brought the baby with them. Sarah was his oldest girl. She'd been married for a while and recently gave birth to her first child. Jacob's first grandchild was a beautiful baby boy he was now holding in his large arms.

The family had just eaten dinner and was now relaxing, talking, and laughing together. They seem…happy. There's Jacob's wife, Mrs. Elizabeth Black. She's still so beautiful thirty years after they married. He never imprinted on anyone. He chose her. He met her in college while he was studying engineering. She was studying medicine. Now he's the head of airplane maintenance at the airport and she's the vet.

Jacob says something to his wife that makes her smile. He smiles back and the look in his eyes is painfully familiar. He used to look at me that way. He used to be in love with me, but that was a long time ago when we were both much younger. I had been in love with a vampire named Edward. Jacob was my best friend and a werewolf. He loved me, but I denied having similar feelings for him until he showed me the truth. I had a choice between two guys I loved and who loved me and I chose Edward. I chose to throw away my human life to become a vampire like him so we could be together forever.  I thought we would be happy forever. There was no way anything could go wrong if he was with me.

I was happy with Edward for a few decades. I had my husband, my daughter, my vampire family and I still had contact with my human family. Life was good. Then it changed. My world crashed and the shine faded. Happily ever after didn't last long and I finally noticed how long forever was going to be.

So here I am looking at the life that could have been mine. This is the life Jacob had offered me. A life of carefree laughter, a life of love that grows and changes instead of the stagnant life of stone I had chosen. Nothing has grown in my world since my daughter Renesmee. Now there's nothing but monotony. I've repeated high school and college twice already. The days become painfully long when you cannot sleep and the only things to do are things you have done many times before.

So tonight I decided to run away instead of reading the same books again or watching nothing on TV. I needed to be away from home and I found myself here. Now I find myself making my way over to the door and knocking. In a moment one of his daughters opens the door.

"Hey, Ms. Bella. Come in." She stands to the side to let me in. I can see clear through the house to where Jacob is handing off the child and standing.

"No thanks Sarah, I just need to talk to your Dad for a while." He's at the door before the sentence is out of my mouth. Jacob had allowed himself to age. He had not been calling on his wolf form and time was showing on his face. He has wrinkles now and the beginnings of grey in his hair, but age hadn't effected how handsome he was. He may actually look better now than he did when he was seventeen. He looks distinguished. He has the good looks of a man now and not the cuteness of a boy. For a moment I wonder what Edward would have looked like had he been allowed to age.

"Hi, Bells. What going on?" he asks.

"I…umm. I just wanted to talk to you for a minute…alone."

"Alright." He leads me around to the garage and opens the door.

"Still the same old Jake I see." There are pieces, parts, and tools all around the garage and vehicles to match. Two motorcycles in the midst of repair, an old mustang, and a truck that reminds me of the one I was given when I first moved to Forks.

He laughs. "Well got to keep my hands busy."

"Your work at the airport doesn't keep you busy?" I ask.

"Not as much as it used to." He says. "Now that I'm in charge I mostly tell other people what to do."He chuckles. "I'm glad you finally knocked on the door. If you stayed out there much longer I'd have had to come get you."

I couldn't hide the shock on my face. "You knew I was out there."

"You always underestimate the werewolves. I may not be using my wolf form, but my senses are still sharp. I smelled you before you got on the lawn." He says. "So why did you come?"

"I just needed to be away from home. I needed to see you…"

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing, just… Do you ever wonder what could have been, if different choices had been made?"

"You mean between us?" He asks.

"Yeah."

"No.  Not for a very long time." His answer is so quick I don't know how to react. "I stopped wondering that when I realized that there never was a 'could have been' for us. We never had a chance. After Edward Cullen, no man was good enough for you."

"No." I agree "I guess not." I want to argue with him, but he is right. The pull from Edward was so strong that no one else could match it. I don't know what to say.

"Is that all you came down here to ask me? Why are you bringing this up now?" He asks. "It's been over thirty years since you made your choice."

"I don't know, Jake. I've had a lot on my mind recently."

"I know the last few years have been hard for you, losing your daughter and then Charlie, things like that can be hard on any relationship, but you'll be okay. You're a strong person." He's trying to be reassuring, but I know the truth.

"No I'm not. I was always weak. My great strength was in ignoring things." I start pacing around. "I ignored people. I ignored my father for years, now he's gone and I want to make up for that lost time." The pain of losing Charlie hit me again. I watched my father die slowly from cancer. I offered to turn him into a vampire and give him a place with the Cullens, but he refused. He said he was ready to go. He was so calm when he died. I was a mess. I realize he didn't need another hundred years, I did. I needed to spend a hundred years with my father to make up for the time I spent ignoring my father. I complained every summer I visited him in Forks. We spent so little time together even when I moved in with him because I was so consumed with Edward. Now all I want is more time.

"I ignored a lot of things, Jake. I ignored all the signs and warnings that told me Edward was the wrong choice. I ignored my feelings for you." I stop pacing now to look in his eyes. Those dark eyes stare down at me deep in thought. He is considering my words and he knows I'm right.

"Bella…"

"You don't know the jealousy that burned in me when I was watching you with your family. It could have been me. That could have been my grandson. I lost my only child and I'll never have another."  It was a natural disaster. An act of God stole her away. My only child. The only child I would ever have. Her birth was a miracle. Vampires cannot have children. That fact never bothered me before. I was ready to live the rest of my life without children to be with Edward, but now after having a taste of what motherhood was like I wanted to feel it again. I wanted to watch someone grow.

"I'm sorry Bells. I really am, but it's too late." He says with genuine sadness in his voice.

"I know, but…" I hesitate. "Just tell me…tell me that you still love me."

"Of course I do. You were the first girl I ever loved.  I don't think that feeling will go away, but it's not enough."

"Not enough." I remember saying those words to him what seems like a lifetime ago. I told him I loved him, but it wasn't enough. It should have been.

"I'm married now. I have been for thirty years."

"But Jacob…" I walk over to him and put my arms around him. I hold him close and breathe him in. He still has the werewolf stink on him and it is strangely comforting to smell it again, but there is something more. There is the scent of his wife. The sweet smell of the soap she uses is on his skin. Another scent is there too and it took me too long to recognize it. Had Renesmee not grown so fast I would recognize the smell of baby vomit right away. There is even the faint remnants of the chicken dinner they had enjoyed. He smells like home. He is the home I now so desperately want, but can never have.

"It should have been you." I say softly. He gently takes hold of my arms and pulls me away just enough so that he can look me in the eyes.

"Bella, honey there was a time when I would have jumped at those words. After you left me in my house recovering from the broken bones I got in the fight with the newborns, I wished that you would come back. Even when I ran away I hoped that you would find me and tell me it was a mistake and that you wanted to be with me, but that was a long time ago." He sighs. "I'm not that love struck teenage boy anymore, Bella and you are a married woman."

I step back from him. He's right again. Jacob has grown up. He isn't that teenage boy fighting for my love anymore. He's a man now, married with four children, one grandchild and another on the way. I have no right to intrude on his life hoping he is still pining after me after all these years.

"I'm sorry, Jake." I start to walk away.

"Bella." He calls after me. "Talk to your husband. You two will get through this." He smiles optimistically as I leave. That smile used to brighten up my days. Now it's just something else I've lost.

I go home at a middle pace, fast for a human, slow for a vampire, and am back in good time. The sun is blocked by the clouds again. It's a typical day. Edward is waiting for me perched on the couch in front of the TV. It's on, but he's hardly paying attention to what's on. He pounces on me as soon as I come in.

"Where did you go last night?" Concern and annoyance mix in his voice. "I told you Carlisle was coming over and you say you'll be right back and don't come home."

"I'm sorry, Edward. I just needed to be alone for a while."

He softens. "I'm not angry, Bella. I was just worried." He sighs. "I would have come looking for you, but Carlisle insisted that I wait. I'm glad you're back. I don't think I could have waited much longer." He comes over and scoops me up in a tight hug. He holds me for a moment in his cold arms before the smell hits him.

"You went to go see him. You just said you wanted to be alone." He says stepping back from me to look in my eyes. I know what he is doing. He's trying to read my mind. He wants to find out what happened. I don't let him.

"I did." I say. It's the truth. I never intended to talk to Jake. "I just needed some time to think and then I found myself needing to talk to him."

"What about?"

"Do you ever wonder what your life could have been like if we weren't together?"

"No." He says flatly. "I already know. It was hell when I left you. My life had no meaning. I was nothing without you."

I could see he meant what he said and I remembered the hole that was left in me when he went away. For a moment I relent. The love comes back into my eyes when I look at him. I do love him so much, but that love isn't enough anymore.

"It's not enough." I say in a whisper.

"What?"

"I love you so much Edward…but it's just not enough anymore." He looks at me confused for a moment. I told him so many times that I wanted nothing else in this world than to be with him. I guess he started to believe it.

"I just wandered for a while after I left. I had no intention of going to see Jacob. I haven't seen him since Charlie's funeral. When I got there I just… stared." My mind goes back to Jacob's home and the happy family he built. "I saw him with his family and I was so jealous."

He sighs. "Bella, you miss being human. It happens to all of us at some point. We all miss what we used to have. You'll get past it."

"It's different for me, Edward. This is not some 'what if' fantasy. I can clearly see the life I could have had. I refused it because I wanted to be with you forever."

"This is just like what we went through when Renesmee died. We got through that together and we can get through this." He says trying to be comforting. He reaches out to put his arms around me, but I back away.

"I saw Jacob's grandson. He's a beautiful little baby boy. So precious and innocent. My body aches to hold a child again. I was ready to never have children when we got married, but now, after having had a child who grew up so fast, I want another baby. I want to watch her grow slowly and enjoy every moment."

"Bella…"

"I'll never have another child, Edward. I'll never have grandchildren. You know what will happen to me? I will live to see every human I every cared about die. Charlie's already gone then it'll be my mother, her husband, even Jacob. I'll have to bury them all one day."

"I know this is hard for you, love…"

"What do you know about it?" I snap. I can't control what is coming out of my mouth anymore. "Your parents died before you did. You barely remember them. You let Carlisle and Esme replace them. I remember my father. I still love him and no one is going to replace him." I was shouting now, but I wasn't angry at Edward. I was angry at myself.

"Bella please, don't be so dramatic." He says. Had his voice always been so condescending? "I had no one when my parents died. Carlisle took care of me."

"Of course he did. He had to since he made you." Edward gets quiet. He just looks at me with such hurt in his eyes. "He saved your life Edward. I let you steal mine. Now I'm trapped in this monotony. Nothing ever changes, nothing grows, there are no dreams, there are no birthdays and there is no sleep to rest my mind. All I have are the thoughts and memories of a life I used to have and even those are fading."

"Do you regret choosing me?"

"I regret this life, Edward. I regret Carlisle having to register me for high school again this year. I regret that I will never be a full adult Edward. Even when I was Renesmee's mother I was too young and she grew too fast. We had to pretend she was adopted. It's the little things Edward."

"You knew it would be like this Bella. It's too late for second thoughts."

He's right. It isn't his fault it's mine. I let myself be blinded by him. I let him dazzle me until I could see no one else. The funny thing is his once perfect face has become ordinary to me. It's just like mine now and I've looked at it for more than thirty years. It hasn't changed at all and it never will. Jacob's face had changed. Every line around his mouth and eyes was earned from thousands of smiles and frowns.

"If you like his face so much, why don't you go back to him?" Edward hisses. The words catch me off guard. I hadn't realized I wasn't keeping up the shield anymore. He heard what I was thinking.

"This isn't about him. It's about you and me." I yell.

"Oh. Is it?" That condescending tone is back. "I'm guessing that when you went to see him, you asked him the same question you asked me only you didn't get the answer you wanted. He rejected you didn't he?" He takes my silence as confirmation. "If you don't want to be here Bella, you can leave. I'm not forcing you to stay."

"No," I say, "but it's not like I have a lot of other places to go is it? Being a vampire kind of limits the possibilities."

"I'm done, Bella." He fumes and walks quickly toward the door. He's running away from the argument. He'd put his foot down and there was nothing more I could say.

"Where are you going?"

"Hunting." He says as he slams the door.

Now I'm alone in the house I used to think of as my home. Now it's just a prison. All around me are reminders of the empty life I lead. There is an empty refrigerator in the kitchen, pictures of my dead daughter on the walls, pictures of my vampire family scattered around, and unused dishes in the cabinets. The few trash bins we have were mostly empty. The shelves were full of books and movies we'd already read or seen multiple times. The whole house was immaculate. I did a lot of cleaning when I needed to occupy myself. The neglected stove in the kitchen was another reminder of the life I had lost. I spent so many years cooking for my parents and then for Renesmee and now no one. I miss the smell of cooking food.

The empty silence was maddening and I scream for the sake of the sound. I need to escape, but more than that I need to destroy. I need to erase this place from the world. I need to erase this life. I gather up the few things in the house that still matter to me, Renesmee's things that are still here and pictures of her, and packed them away. The rest I let burn. I set the house on fire and watch as it burns to the ground. We live in a secluded area so it took a while for someone to notice the fire and call for help. I am gone by the time they get there. I know Edward will be hurt by what I have done, but I can't make myself care.

After that I just run. I have become an empty shell without love soulless and alone. I have no clue where I am going, I just need to go. I run until I come to a park. It is the middle of the day now and it is full of young families. There are children running and playing as their parents watch. I just stare. We couldn't take Renesmee to the park much. She grew too fast.

I watch the families for hours and I hate their happiness. The bitter sting of regret won't leave me. The way the mothers watch their children and the way the girls and boys smile back at their parents as they show how long they can hang on the jungle gym stabs at me like bitter knives. Every giggle and laugh mocks my pain. I need it to end so I wait. I pick out the perfect little happy family and I wait.

I follow a young mother when she leaves the park with her daughter to meet her husband before they go home. I wait until she put her baby girl to bed and I go in. By now all I can feel is my own bitterness and the thirst for blood. I quench both tonight. When I leave the house I am no longer thirsty and I am no longer alone. The child only cries for a short time before I am able to calm her down. I brought her favorite toys with us. We are going to be a family.