angiee45

I have spent too much time not writing. I discovered that I was a writer a long time ago, but recently I have not been writing very much. I let other things distract me. I was to busy watching other people be creative and I was not being creative myself. I was playing video games, watching netflix and living on Youtube. 

There are a number of reasons why I wasn't writing. First I had a full time job which included a long commute every day. I don't drive so I had to ride the bus for about 1 1/2 hours to 2 hours every day both coming and going. So Monday to Friday I was at work or commuting for about 12 1/2 hours a day. That time could grow if I stayed late or missed the bus and had to wait for the next one. On the weekends I would sleep a lot and take care of my son. There was also house work.

After about two years I left that job and took a different one that was still a long commute. Eventually I lost that job and I began living on Youtube feeling like a failure because I was fired. 34 Years old, jobless and still living with my mother. My plans to move out stalled when I became unemployed. Eventually I came to the realization that living on Youtube was not helping the situation and I decided to do something else. 

Fast forward a few months and I am employed again although only part time and am again trying to write. I stated some time ago that I would still be a writer even if I never made any money from my work. I stopped being a writer when I stopped writing. I was just someone who thought she could write. Now I want to write again and more importantly, I have found something to write about. There is a deep, fundamental part of me that is not happy unless I am putting words on a page. She is excited again and hopefully will be posting something soon. 

"How can you be a mother in your mother's house?" I overheard that question some years ago when my son was still young. I went into the workforce about nine months after he was born. I was still in college though not on campus. I had talked to my teachers and worked out a way to complete my course work so that I could still get my degree thought I was not going back to New York. I was at home living with my mother and working part time.

Now I have my degree and my son just turned eight this past April. I am still in my mother's house because I don't have the means to leave. It is worse now because I am currently unemployed. This is not where I saw myself five years ago.

My mother and I disagree sometimes about how I should raise my son. She is in her fifties and I just turned thirty one. There is a generational difference with the way people my age and people like my mom raise children. We mostly disagree on discipline. My mother spanked us when we were little. That is not the problem. I have no problem with spanking. Neither do my brother and sister. The problem is that she acts like I cut my son too much slack. I am not as tough on him as she was on us.

A few nights ago it got bad. My son has a problem with inviting people to things without asking us. He invited my mother's fiance to a block party that was happening in a few days on our block. My mother knew nothing about it and was embarrassed that he invited her boyfriend and he asked her what was going on and she had no answer. So this lead to arguing and her berating me in front of my son for him coming to the door and giving the invitation. In reality we had no plans for the block party. She says she felt stupid and embarrassed and is angry that he made the invitation. She tells me to "control my child" and suggests that I let him do whatever he wants all the time.

I have been seething ever since. For one thing I don't let my son do whatever he wants all the time. I give him room to grow, but I reign him in when needed. He got spanked today for not getting his school work done when I told him to do it. The problem is that I give him chances. Sometimes I give him too many chances, but I do punish him when he does wrong. My mother and people her age come from a time when a child got slapped for talking back, and there were very few chances. My aunt who is older than my mother, says in reference to mothers and their children "You should fear God and me." She told me that her son was afraid of her until he was ten or twelve years old. Her logic goes like this: If I call my son to me and he doesn't come I should go over to him and smack him and then ask him why he didn't come. There are few chances.

I don't want to raise my son like that. Don't get me wrong. My aunt is a good woman and I have no problem with the way I was disciplined as a child. I was mostly good so I didn't get spanked a lot. My brother however was a different story. My aunt raised two children who have families of their own and are mostly on good terms with her. Her son was in the Army and her daughter became a nurse.

I want the freedom to raise my child the way I want to without my mother telling me I'm doing it wrong or claiming I don't discipline my son. Because I don't want to do things her way she accuses me of never listening to her.

"How can you be a mother in your mother's house?" Sometimes I feel like I am still a child in this house. If I had the money I would be gone. I applied for housing assistance, but the waiting list is long and I've been waiting for more than a year already.

I've been reading the Twilight Series lately. I won't call it a saga. It's not epic enough. Right now I'm on New Moon. Most everyone knows the story by now and the controversy about how bad the books are. There are a lot of reasons to hate the books. They are poorly written for one. Another thing is this idea of true love that is being forced on the reader. That if you meet "the one" and you lose him or her that there is no one else out there for you. Do you believe that? What about the saying "there are plenty of fish in the sea"?

In Bella's case Edward leaves her in the beginning of the book. She goes into a deep depression and basically accepts the fact that she will never be happy again. At some point she starts to hear Edward's voice in her head when she does dangerous or reckless things. So she does these reckless and dangerous things on an almost daily basis so that she can hear her "true love's" voice scolding her. Her best friend Jacob develops feelings for her, but she doesn't really consider him an option because she considers herself forever broken because Edward left her. She talks constantly about how much she needs Jacob and wants to be near him. Jacob fills the void left in her when Edward left. Jacobs arms can hold her together when she's falling apart. She wants to have a claim on him, but she feels like being with him is a betrayal to her "true love".

She considers Jacob's love to be somehow of less value than Edward's even though she seems to connect better with Jacob than Edward. With Edward she mostly talked about how good he looked. More than half of the first book was about how perfect Edward's face was.  With Jacob she talks about what he does for her, how she feels better when he is around, how his personality itself is attractive. When she starts to consider Jacob as an option, she belittles it. She could give Jacob that tiny fraction of her heart that is not forever devoted to Edward. She could make him happy, but she would never be happy with him. According to Bella, Jacob is not worthy of her love and she is not worthy of being loved by him.

It annoys me because "true love" in this case is forever pinning after a man who broke you. True love is throwing away a chance at happiness in order to hold on to your suffering. She refuses to let go of the man who broke her so badly her father was on the verge of having her committed. She denigrates Jacob's love ONLY because it is not Edward's love. There is no other reason. She would rather wallow in her pain than give someone the chance to make her happy. That is not true love. That is obsession and desperation.

What exists between Bella, Edward, and Jacob is more like addiction. Bella is addicted to Edward. When he leaves she goes through withdraw. Jacob is the pill she takes to feel better. When Edward comes back, she no longer needs her pill so Jacob is tossed aside.

People have different views of what love is and I cannot say from my own experience that I have the answer, but I know that sacrificing potential happiness to hold on to suffering is not love. Especially when the object of your affection is what caused the suffering in the first place. The people who truly love you want you to be happy. They don't want you to destroy yourself because they are not around. I have seen some good romantic movies where someone's love interest died and they handled it better than Bella did. Those characters lost their loves and found a way to move on.

Better love stories than Twilight: Love Actually, Casablanca, Titanic, Unfaithful, In the Mood for Love, Chunhyang, Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon, Heaven Knows Mr. Allison, Howl's Moving Castle, The Princess Bride.

These are too things we need more of in the world generally and on the internet particularly. People say the nastiest things online because they know you will never find out who they are. They are anonymous. There are no consequences on the internet for the same actions that would have potentially harsh penalties anywhere else. I always try to be civil even when having an argument with a stranger miles or minutes away from me. It's no fun to be cursed at on your computer. I know I don't like it so I assume no one else would like it either.

Remember the golden rule. Treat people the way you want to be treated. If more people did this, the world would be a better place.

Just in case someone reads this: remember to vote. Exercise your rights. Remember that if voting was not important people would not have had to fight for it. People would not be still fighting for it. Voting is your way of engaging directly in the political process. You make your voice heard. Even if your candidate doesn't win. The world knows that someone voted for him or her. Someone was on his or her side.

If you believe that the process is rigged and you never engage in it, you are not helping the situation. Not every election can be bought. Not every vote can be suppressed. It is not possible. Eventually the truth comes out and the people make themselves heard. You have a voice. USE IT.